21 Days to Fall in Love with Yourself - Your Free Guide to Kickstart the Habit
Helping you Fall in Love With Taking Care of Yourself is the aim of this guided journal, with emphasis on developing a habit of self-soothing and treating yourself with love and care.
I based these exercises and meditation recordings on years of working as a clinical hypnotherapist and RTT Therapist, as well as my personal struggles to treat myself with compassion prior to discovering the power of self-love. This guide is a collection of some of the most effective therapeutic techniques I’ve come across, enabling you to start the process right away and for free.
I learnt from my clients that most of us find it challenging to love and take good care of ourselves, mostly because we’ve never been taught to. By the time we realise that self-love is important and try to instil it, our efforts are often curbed by those offering quick fixes, which don’t normally have the same profound lasting effect as reframing our thoughts and beliefs for good.
One would hope that in the future these skills will be taught in school. Until then - feel free to use this manual to organically fall into self-love and self-care.
“Self-love is doing things that make you stronger.”
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Most of this guide consists of journaling prompts. You might be an experienced diarist, or you might have not handwritten since school. Wherever you are on your journaling journey - here are some ideas to keep in mind, to help you get the most out of it.
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I find the best way to do the journaling exercises is to hand write the question at the top of the page, set a timer for 5-10 minutes and let your hand move across the page without reading what comes out until the timer bell goes. This automatic writing method often brings up surprising thoughts and beliefs, as it goes deeper than rational thinking.
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Each week follows the same 3 stands:
Exercise 1 is on your Inner World
Exercise 2 is on the World around You
Exercise 3 is on the Interactions Between Your Inner World and the Outer
Each week can be done in one go or it can be split into sections done over several days, the choice is yours. There is no time limit, so you can keep redoing the same exercise over and over again, if that’s what’s needed.
Follow your intuition when deciding the best course of action.
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Some old research showed that it took at least 18 days to install a new habit without any professional help, but there are so many factors that affect habit formation, that it’s best not to rely on a specific time frame. It’s better to pick the exercises that are the most comfortable fit for you, and stick with them until you can feel your beliefs have shifted.
The exercises I’ve laid out should be enjoyable to complete and give you plenty of aha-moments, which will help with motivation.
It’s the consistency that makes all the difference. As the new beliefs form in your mind, they become the foundation for a loving relationship with yourself, building this healthy habit from the ground up.
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The process can and should be messy and imperfect. Go with the natural flow of your thoughts rather than trying to make them fit a structure of any sort. Learning to trust your own instincts, so that you can rely on yourself, is a huge part of self-love.
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When you read what you’ve written, remember to be curious: the whole point of this experience is self-discovery and increased self-compassion. There are no right or wrong answers, you are simply finding out who you truly are underneath what the world projected onto you over the decades. What matters is the depth to which you go in discovering your true feelings, thoughts and beliefs.
I promise you that the True You (Your Soul for those who are spiritual) is MUCH easier to love than the Ego.
WEEK 1 - Discovering the Barriers to Self-Love
In this week we discover what is preventing you from being able to Fall in Love with Taking Care of Yourself, so that we can then clear away those barriers one by one.
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
Exercise 1 - Your Inner Critic
The Inner Critic is the voice inside one’s head that puts one down, disrespects and criticises one. The Inner Critic’s voice can be a compilation of all the exes, relatives or friends who were unkind to you - recently or in childhood. Or, it could be the internalised voice of one individual.
The reason why we’ve got to identify where the negative narrative is coming from, is because it’s much easier to update it when it’s obvious that it was never your voice in the first place.
Ask yourself questions like:
What are the top 3 recurring negative thoughts I have about myself?
How do these thoughts make me feel?
Who would I be without these thoughts? What would I be able to do, that I can’t do now if I let go of the negativity? How would I feel without these thoughts in my mind?
If you enjoy answering the last 3 questions, I would strongly recommend the work of Byron Katie, especially her book I Need Your Love, Is That True?
Examples of negative thoughts:
- I am unlovable - I am worthless - I am worse off than others - I am incompetent - I am an outcast/I don’t belong - I am unattractive
Add a ‘because’ to the end of each sentence and finish it.
E.g. “I feel that I’m unlovable because I am single and no one loves me.”
How does each of those statements you’re written down make you feel? Really outpour the feelings, cry if you need to, really allow yourself to feel.
When answering the last question “How would I feel without these negative thoughts in my mind?” - allow yourself to really feel the relief of those heavy thoughts and feelings no longer being there, like someone waved a magic wand and erased them.
What would you do with all that space freed up in your mind? What would you prefer to fill it with?
Exercise 2 - Your Close Connections
It may seem counterintuitive, but the people in your life could absolutely be a barrier, stopping you from falling in love with taking care of yourself.
Your close connections are people whose opinions you value and are influenced by, including your friends, partners and relatives (past and present), as well as bands you listen to, politicians and celebrities you follow, writers you read including bloggers - anyone whose words you let permeate your mind on a regular basis.
We can’t help being influenced by the words of others - after all, most of our knowledge comes from other people.
But it’s not always wise to base our inner world on the inner worlds of others, especially if they they don’t recognise looking after their mental health as a priority.
For example, some people may believe that loving ourselves is “wrong”, and that taking care of ourselves is “selfish”. Respecting opinions such as that, could shame one into treating oneself terribly against their own best interests.
To evaluate how the people in your life make you feel, journal on the following questions:
Who are the people whose opinions you care about?
Do they have your best interests at heart?
What sort of influence have they had on you so far?
If their advice was helpful and loving, encouraging you to be kinder to yourself, there’s nothing to change. If it led you down the wrong path, journal on what you’d have done differently if you were in the situation again, knowing everything you know now.
Exercise 3 - The Image of You
Close your eyes and see yourself as if you were a bystander.
What do you see? Are you able to see yourself lovingly? Does anything in this image make you feel uncomfortable?
Really get into the details of how you feel about yourself. When you’ve got a clear image, see how much of this is purely your understanding of who you are and which bits are other people’s projections.
For example, were you ever repeatedly told that:
You are too shy OR that you always have to be the centre of attention
You are too quiet/too loud
You’re not confident enough/too confident
You don’t smile enough
You’ve got a strong accent
Any other judgments you’ve encountered on a regular basis?
When we are told something repeatedly, we start to believe in it even if deep down we know it’s not true. This is how advertising works.
Which of other people’s judgements stuck with you, to the point that this is how you see yourself now? How would it feel to accept these aspects of yourself OR let them go?
How would it feel to be defined only by what You believe is you?
How would it feel to see yourself with the loving eyes of someone who deeply cares for you?
WEEK 2 - Reframing the Narrative
In week 2 we’re clearing away all the psychological gunk - the internal clutter - a lot of which came from the people around us. It’s much easier to Fall in Love with Taking Care of Yourself when your inner space is clear from negative perceptions, toxic thoughts and outdated beliefs.
Exercise 1 W2 - Step into the Best Version of You
Now that we know what the Inner Critic is saying, it’s much easier to update the negative thoughts or neutralise them.
Running with the example from week 1, if the underlying thought is:
“I’m unlovable because I’m single and no one loves me.”
We could ask ourselves:
is that true? Does being single automatically mean being unlovable?
Can you think of single people you know - either in your life or on TV - would you call them unloveable because of their relationship status?
We often judge ourselves harsher than we would others, so it’s important to realise that we are being unfair to ourselves.
And if you struggle with challenging the negative thoughts, here’s an aid - a 20 min meditation where you get to meet the Future You, who loves you unconditionally and can answer any questions you might have: Meeting Your Wiser Self meditation
Make sure to have a pen and paper ready, as the experience will give you some insights into your relationship with yourself.
Before you begin, sit down somewhere comfortable where no one will disturb you for the duration, make sure you are warm enough and press play.
Exercise 2 W2 - Clear Away Toxicity
We all want to be surrounded by loving people, who make us feel safe, whole and complete. However, sometimes relationships stagnate or even go in the opposite direction - become toxic for one or both of the parties.
This week we are doing a shortened version of Cutting the Chord exercise to release the psychological binds with those who have hurt us - whether we are still connected to them or not.
You can pick a new person every time, or go over the same relationship again and again until it’s fully healed. In this exercise, we are going to release any minor resentments, confusion or misunderstandings. Please only use this for light disagreements, if you are struggling with major Relationship Issues please seek Individual Therapy.
Before we begin:
Decide on a relationship in your life you’d like to improve - it could be with a partner, a parent, friend or colleague OR it could be someone from your past with whom you still have conversations in your head. We’re going to call them person X.
Cutting the Chord Ritual
‘1. Imagine the image of X in front of you as clearly as possible, imagine their clothing, their hair, their manner of being; perhaps even touch X, smell them, really sense their presence.
2. Think about what type of connection you’ve got with her/him.
Pay attention to the quality of this connection: where is it connected to your bodies, is it a ray of light, a tunnel, a chord, etc. what colour is it, how does it feel being connected to X?
3. Next: use this connection to X to return to them everything they caused in you, things you didn’t want, like:
Insecurities,
Self-doubt,
Memories of betrayal or put downs,
Unfair treatment,
Any pain, fear or heartache.
Imagine a bright light taking all of it back to X and POWERFULLY purifying you from their influence, like being washed off with a hose pipe.
Name the things you are giving back to him/her.
Carry on sending stuff down the connection until you feel a sense of relief, and increased clarity.
4. Next: use the connection emanating from X to give you BACK everything valuable that you’ve given away them, to your own detriment:
love, compassion, attention, support, peace, self-respect, feeling safe in your body, feeling protected, etc.
So everything you regretted giving to them, feel yourself fill up with all those things as they’re being returned to you.
Breathe deeply, experience gratitude towards yourself and X, you can even say:
thank you for giving me my… (e.g. FREEDOM) back - I AM NOT A VICTIM of how you treated me, I AM CLAIMING MY POWER BACK FROM YOU, I am claiming back my AUTHENTICITY.
5. Then pay attention to the connection that’s still between the two of you, and, when you are ready, imagine effortlessly cutting through this chord with a cutting item of your choosing. It could be scissors, knife, sword, garden shears, anything else your imagination comes up with.
6. Once you’ve cut it, allow the image of X gently floating higher and further away, like a helium balloon. Clearly see it becoming small and colourless, turning into a tiny black dot on the horizon, until even that dot disappears.
IF you ready to forgive, you can also forgive them at this point, as you let them go.
You can come back to this exercise again and again, picking a new relationship to work with every time. You can also go over the same relationship until you feel like the issue has been fully dealt with.
Go easy on yourself throughout this process. Since it’s a cleansing, it’s important to stay grounded, drink plenty of water and minimise negative input from TV/media/other people immediately after.
Exercise 3 W2 - Embrace Your “Imperfections”
How much of what others think of you is outdated?
This is why hanging out with the same crowd your whole life can stagnate one’s development. It can take a long while for the opinions of those around to be updated in line with who you currently are, by which point you might have already changed into your next version.
You might have been terrible at swimming when you were a child, but have since taken lessons and swim fine as an adult, but your school friends still assume that you’ll stay in shallows whenever you go on holiday with them.
Even if we’ve still got that “flaw” - it’s only a detriment if we say so ourselves. After all - no one is good at everything.
Write out the TRUTH about yourself on the subjects that matter to you. Understanding who you really are is that core that makes you super-resilient and strong, which is the basis for self-love and self-respect.
Our imperfections make us perfect, in the beautiful words of Angie Karan:
“Our imperfections make us unique and also BEAUTIFUL. Some beautiful things are more impressive when left imperfect than when too highly finished. People who make mistakes are more like-able than those who appear perfect. We can’t connect with perfect…. but we like and LOVE people who are real. So lets accept our self for who we are and meant to be. We are all perfectly and authentically beautiful in our own special way, and nothing more or even less.”
Admitting all your so called “imperfections” and Loving yourself regardless, stops you chasing perfection, which can never be arrived at anyway, and instead allows you to appreciate the incredible human being you already are. This allows you to be relaxed and at ease in your body and mind, since there is nothing you need to change to feel self-love.
So what are the aspects of yourself you are ready to love and accept today?
WEEK 3 - Learning to Self-parent
This week is all about Learning to Self-sooth and Re-Parenting yourself in a loving compassionate caring way, so that you… - you’ve guessed it - can Fall in Love with Taking Care of Yourself. These exercises powerfully update your internal narrative to make your Inner World a comfortable place for you to live in, one you don’t need to escape from.
Exercise 1 W3 - Declaration to Self
We are all worthy of (self-) love regardless of looks, intelligence, accolades, wealth, relationship status, or position in society.
Often the love we are given in childhood is conditional. We might feel that we have to “earn” love by being good, getting good grades or pleasing the teachers.
When we grow up we often use the same premise when deciding whether we deserve self-love. It may feel like self-love is the carrot we get when we’ve done something well, when we’ve “deserved” it.
To dispel this belief, we’re going to write a declaration of unconditional love to self.
Start with : I declare to love myself even if…
And then list out anything that had affected you loving yourself in the past, whatever your bugbears 🐻 are, e.g.:
I declare to love myself EVEN IF…
… Even if I’ve put on some weight.
…Even if I made a mistake.
…Even if my work is not being recognised by others.
It doesn’t have to be a long list, but one that resonates with you.
When it’s done, hang it up somewhere visible in your house where you’ll always be reminded of it, like by your bedside.
The list is a work in progress, so feel free to use coloured pens, drawings or anything else that helps and keep adding and taking things away from it according to how you’re feeling. And of course whenever it feels right to - you can make yourself a brand new list, as many times as needed, until it’s clear to your subconscious that your love for yourself is unwavering and is not related to external circumstances.
Exercise 2 W3 - Mirror Work
It’s time to reverse the negative influence the world might have had on you by speaking to your reflection in the mirror with words of kindness.
My favourite Mirror Work meditation is by Lisa Nichols. You can journal on these topics before you begin or you can come up with the answers on the spot when you’re following Lisa’s mirror exercise:
Your Name +
I am proud that you…
I forgive you for…
I commit to you that…
Find several different endings to each of the three sentences or simply watch Why Mirror Work Will Change Your Life and Lisa Nichols will talk you through the process herself.
Exercise 3 W3 - Installing a Loving Parent
What are the things you wanted to hear as a child?
Marisa Peer talks about reparenting and it’s a big part of RTT Therapy process. We often wait for our parents to love us to show us that we are loveable and that we’ve always been loveable. But many of our parents don’t do that great a job of loving us, often because they weren’t loved themselves.
We can’t go back and change how our parents treated us in our childhood, but we can definitely fill ourselves up with loving words, like:
You are so important to me
You’re significant
You matter
You are valuable
You are precious
You’re perfect as you are
You’re worthy of love
I believe in you
You are lovable
I love you
Is there anything else your Inner Child needs to hear?
Write it all out, ideally every day, until it feels like that Loving Parent has been permanently installed in your mind and showers you with kindness daily - regardless of how well you’re doing.
Let this love pour over you and absorb like lotion on dry skin, and nourish and nurture you, in a way no one else’s love ever could.
Here’s a Powerful Self-love Meditation to help you with this process. Please listen to it daily for at least 21 days. And then as and when you need it afterwards, it will support you on your journey to greater levels of self-compassion.
If you are a woman who with a very difficult relationship with your mother, a great bit of reading is Discovering the Inner Mother by Bethany Webster. It will explain the mother wound, and set you well on the path to recovery.
If you’ve been doing these exercises for some time, but still find it difficult to feel love and respect for yourself, you might want to consider seeking help from someone with experience of helping people fall in love with themselves. I would love to hear you story and be your guide on the journey to yummy comforting unconditional self-love.
Book a Free Therapy Consultation at the top right corner of this page.
