‘I hate my Body’ - How to Love Your Body the Way It Is
How to Love Your Body When You Hate It is what we’ll be discussing in this article. If you are unhappy with your body but would like to love it the way it is - this is for you.
In rabbit competitions, the judges decide on awards depending on whether the contestant is close enough to its specific breed standards . For example, for a Netherland Dwarf, it needs to weigh between 0.5 to 1.1 kg and have short well-rounded ears. For other breeds they would need to demonstrate different length ears, body shape or certain markings to receive awards. There could be classes and divisions within the competition, for instance, for dogs the common classes include puppy, adult, and veteran.
I would argue that we are all in a competition of a similar sort, which starts as soon as we’ve arrived into this world with “oh, what a cute baby!” and ends with “they’re looking pretty good… for their age”.
The psychological punishment for not looking ‘perfect’ is encouraged earlier and earlier these days, with normal size kids under the age of 6 getting letters from their school encouraging the parents to put the child on a diet (UK schools).
As a result, we internalise high standards for our bodies - they are often based on a mixture of images of ourselves (the best we’ve ever looked), our best looking friends and the never ending barrage of images of ‘perfect’ looking people - real or augmented - in the media.
Our expectations of ourselves are often based on the subconscious beliefs that being slim equates to being beautiful, desirable, accepted, worthy, valuable, happy, healthy and strong. (read about those beliefs here)
So instead of asking:
Why am I so fat?
How to get skinny fast?
Why don’t we instead ask ourselves:
but WHY do I think I need to be slimmer/fitter/more athletic?
Why does it make me feel better about myself when I lose weight?
What happens if I sit with my uncomfortable feelings around weight gain? What is the fear/worry/insecurity behind the discomfort?
Because of course if these standards of beauty were achievable and sustainable, then most people in each race and gender would look very similar… yet we don’t. Moreover, if achieving specific body measurements meant that we were happy, then female supermodels would be the happiest people on earth, when in reality most of them struggle with self-esteem even more than an average woman does.
Since constantly looking like a supermodel is unsustainable for the majority of the population, and even if was sustainable - it wouldn’t make us feel better about ourselves long-term, then here are some more questions I like to ask myself:
Who benefits from me constantly beating myself up for not looking perfect for ‘my breed’ of species? And WHO has decided on those standards? Were they acting in my best interests? If not - in whose interests is it, for me to get the message that I have to look a certain way to be enough? Enough for WHOM? (read about the history of the skinny ideal here)
At which point does self-control turn into self-punishment?
Of course listening to your body, eating healthily and mild to moderate exercising - are all healthy ways of looking after your body and mind, providing they’re done with the right intentions.
All too often though, our looks directly impact our self-worth. Even if we’ve only put on a few kg, it may really impact our self-esteem - disproportionately to the change to our physical appearances, potentially leading to excessive exercise and/or extreme or rigid dieting to put the situation ‘right’.
It can be easy to confuse weight gain as the real reason for reduced self-worth, feelings of inadequacy, and the feeling of not being enough. Whilst the real reason hides in plain sight - the tying of self-worth and self-respect to looking a certain way.
It’s so easy to have the real reason for the desire to be skinny to go under the radar, because we’ve all been subjected to intense conditioning that wanting to lose weight is a good thing to aspire to - IRRESPECTIVE of how it makes you feel.
If one of our girlfriends says she wants to lose weight, the question is less often WHY - more often we either see it as a positive thing she’s doing for her health and encourage her OR, if we think she’s already slim enough, try to talk her out of it.
In either case, we’ve already pre-judged her according to our standards of the breed, and are applying those standards in the conversation, much like the judges in the bunny beauty contests.
They’re the exact same standards we apply to our own bodies, but our own internal judgement is often harsher. The subtle deviations we’d forgive or not even notice in a friend, can cause intense negative self-talk and body image issues in ourselves. Harshly criticising or hating one's body, feeling unworthy or ashamed based on appearance, and having a distorted body image can significantly impact our mental well-being.
As women, we can bond with others having recognised in them the need to be thinner and cyclical patterns of self-punishment, on a subconscious level.
For me the epiphany was that life is about enjoyment, so the only solution to the issue is to say NO to the draconian beauty standards and
REFUSE TO PUNISH MYSELF any more.
No one’s ever laid on their deathbed and wished that they were slimmer (unless of course that’s what was killing them), but lots of people regret not allowing themselves to be happier whilst they could.
Once I have irreversibly decided that I shan’t be denying myself the enjoyment of life for the sake of complying with societal norms, a huge sense of relief washed over my body and mind. That was the only thing that made the inner critic finally shut up. And if and when it pops back up - all I have to do is this exercise:
An Exercise in Self-Love and Self-Acceptance
It’s important to love and accept ourselves, including the fluctuations in our weight: you’re a part of nature - the same as a river or a tree - your shape and size keeps changing according to the laws of nature, in your own unique way. Nothing in nature ever stays looking the same for a long period of time, unless it’s dead. So instead of wanting to look like a plastic doll, always ‘perfect’, we could embrace and respect what we are - not a thing to be displayed, but a living breathing organism, which looks exactly as it’s supposed to at any given moment, at any given stage in life.
Here’s the exercise I’ve come up with for encouraging love and acceptance for your own body, as well as others’:
Prepare to Meditate: Sit down somewhere where no one would disturb you for a few minutes, close your eyes, breathe deep and slow, feel your heart beat in your chest, allow yourself to relax into the present moment.
Remember that Nature has perfected the mechanism of your body over billions of years, all its parts work exactly as they were programmed and are unique, as nature does not make duplicates.
Accept: Feel the air coming in and out of your lungs as you breathe, become aware of your heart pumping the oxygen-enriched blood through your arteries, all your organs - kidney, liver, stomach - all working in their own rhythm, and in unison like a well oiled machine.
Visualise: When you’re ready, visualise an image of a person who looks just like you externally - same gender, age, looks and shape - imagine them in as great a detail as possible, so that the visual pops.
Appreciate: When the image is clear, imagine a ray of appreciation emanating from your heart and towards the image, accepting the figure exactly as they are. See the body as if sculpted by a professional sculptor, as this was exactly what the sculptor wanted it to look like. See all the colouring as if painted on by a professional artist with all the ‘imperfections’ - because to that artist, it’s exactly those ‘imperfections’ that make their work complete. Allow yourself to feel a loving feeling towards this unique physical form.
Heal: as the last step, step into the image, become one with it, and experience all the appreciation, the love and the acceptance from within, bask in the beauty of your uniqueness. Really anchor it in your body, until you start seeing yourself that way whenever you look in the mirror.
In Sanskrit PRAVAH (abbreviation of the method above), means a flow of the river, with all its movements, all of which make it all the more beautiful.
How to Love Your Body When You Hate It - remember that it’s a part of nature.
It also helps to listen to music that supports a healthy body image, like Video by India Arie.
Sometimes Our Bodies Change IRREVERSIBLY, but that does not take away from our worth, health, beauty, status or place in the world
In fact, when accepted and understood, those changes add to our value, intrinsic beauty and personal growth.
If:
you are struggling with this concept or with the exercise above,
you are still prioritising emotional self-abuse over overall well-being,
the self-punishing part of you is treating being kind to yourself like self-indulgence,
you struggle with self-compassion, balance and an understanding that everyone's journey is unique -
it may be beneficial to seek professional support from a therapist like myself -
we’ve got a lot to talk about!
