Self-deprecating thoughts, beliefs and behaviours and lack of self-respect are really disempowering and suck a lot of joy and energy out of you, so that you don’t have enough to give to yourself to make yourself feel comfortable, satisfied, to achieve your full potential, to be the person you were meant to be.

Internal Self-deprecation can be really subtle and not easy to spot, here are some examples:

• Internally disapproving or doubting you capacity, your talents, your looks, your worthiness, your value to the world;

• Belief that something (or someone) is missing from your life, longing for that thing to the extent that you are unable to fully enjoy your current reality;

• Believing yourself to be less deserving of love and compassion than others, “others” in this example include your children if you have them;

• The inability to take up space and stand your ground for fear of offending someone else;

• Needing to always be busy: Constantly being in a rush to do the next thing without giving yourself time to just be (often comes from the belief that one needs to prove their worth through “doing”);

• Giving too much of yourself to others in the hope that they’ll either give it back or validate you, this includes your time, your support, your energy, your money, your resources, etc. The giving is often done to the detriment of your own core needs and desires, without first stopping to look at what that’s costing you emotionally. It’s the equivalent of putting the oxygen mask on the other person first, should the plane air cabin pressure drop, and then passing out from not having enough air to breathe.

All of these stagnate your ability to grow, reduce your life satisfaction and can even trap you in a dead end of not caring about yourself enough to help yourself feel better.

It’s not always obvious that you are putting yourself down in your mind, because you might have been doing this for years, even decades. The roots of self-deprecation and/or self-loathing are normally buried in childhood and often relate to your early experiences with other people in your life.

‘1. Putting others' needs before your own/Valuing yourself based on how well you satisfy other people’s needs and desires: While being considerate of others is important, constantly prioritising others' needs over your own could be a sign that you do not value yourself enough.

Devaluing your needs also includes shrinking to make others feel comfortable around you, to the point that you yourself begin to feel uncomfortable.

2. Living with the shame or sense of not being good enough, often due to the perceived or actual judgement from our peers, friends and family.

3. Intense Self-criticism: If you frequently criticise or berate yourself, or have a negative internal monologue, this could be a sign of low self-compassion.

4. Seeking validation from others: If you constantly seek approval or validation from others, rather than relying on your own sense of self-worth, this could indicate that you're lacking in self-love.

5. Perfectionism: If you hold yourself to impossibly high standards and are never satisfied with your own achievements and/or beat yourself up over perceived failures.

6. Difficulty setting boundaries: If you have trouble saying "no" to others, or frequently allow others to take advantage of you, this could be a sign that you do not value your own needs and boundaries enough OR are afraid to be assertive about them.

7. Avoiding self-care: If you neglect self-care activities, such as hygiene, healthy eating, exercise, or taking time for yourself, this could be a sign that you do not value your own well-being enough.

If you recognize any of these signs in yourself, it may be helpful to work on building your self-love and self-worth. This can involve activities such as journaling and meditation exercises, discovering the reasons for why you lack self-love - on your own or through therapy, setting boundaries, prioritising self-care, and focusing on healthy personal growth.

The causes for lack of Self-love can almost always be traced back to childhood. The most common factors that may contribute to a lack of self-love are :

‘1. Childhood experiences: Early experiences with caregivers, family members, or peers can significantly impact our self-image and self-esteem. Negative experiences such as criticism, neglect, abuse, or rejection can lead to feelings of unworthiness and low self-esteem.

2. Social conditioning: Societal messages, cultural norms, and media portrayals can also influence how we see ourselves and what we believe about our worth. If we internalise negative messages about our appearance, abilities, or personality or our role in society, it can impact how we see our core-identity.

In her article A woman's greatest enemy? A lack of time to herself Brigid Schulte discusses how women are traditionally expected to spend their free time completing chores for the family, whilst most men are allowed stretches of uninterrupted time to themselves. This enables them to grow much faster professionally, whilst the women’s growth, development and self-realisation was often seen as secondary to that of the man.

3. Trauma: Experiencing trauma, whether it be physical, emotional, or psychological, can cause long-lasting effects on one's self-image. Trauma can lead to feelings of shame, guilt, and unworthiness. It can also create psychological loops, where the victim ends up in a similar situation over and over again, even though it’s clearly something they don’t want in their life.

4. Comparison and perfectionism (often learned in childhood): Constantly comparing oneself to others or striving for perfection can lead to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem. The abundance of computer generated and airbrushed images on all social media and media platforms, feeds into that unconscious self-judgement loop.

It's important to note that everyone's experiences are unique, and there could be other factors that contribute to a lack of self-love whether you are in a relationship or not. Understanding the underlying causes is the first step towards developing a more positive relationship with yourself. Book a Free Consultation with me if you’d like to discuss your specific situation.

To love yourself means to have a positive and accepting attitude towards yourself, to acknowledge your worthiness and goodness, and to treat yourself with kindness and compassion. To love yourself means that your mind is a safe place where you are fulfilled and belong unapologetically, irrespective of the opinions of those around you including your partners and family members.

It involves accepting both your strengths and weaknesses, being forgiving of yourself, and taking care of your physical and mental well-being.

Self-love is not the same as being self-absorbed or narcissistic, as it does not involve an excessive focus on oneself at the expense of others. Instead, it involves a healthy balance of caring for oneself whilst also caring for others where it is reasonable to do so. It allows you to set healthy boundaries, communicate your needs effectively, and make choices that align with your values and goals. Ultimately, self-love enables you to live a more fulfilling and satisfying life.