The Appeal of Immature Relationships
Immature relationships are not necessarily ‘bad’. They can be a great learning ground for figuring out who we are and where the boundaries lie.
The problems often arise if one of the parties has outgrown the relationship and the other is unable or unwilling to transition and upgrade the connection to one that’s reliable, stable and fair.
Immature Relationships can feel fun and easy, because they don’t require that we grow up.
Our culture and society idolise Immature Relationships as they provide plenty of drama for entertainment and stories.
Whilst healthy respectful relationships aren’t as popular a plot for a film or bestseller - since not much happens in them that can be observed externally. This is why mature relationships have not been modelled for us anywhere near as much as immature ones - mature relationships are enjoyable to be in, but may be ‘boring’ to watch; immature ones aren’t as enjoyable, but are really interesting to observe as an onlooker.
Immature relationships are appealing, because they concentrate on the fun we share with the other person, and make us feel like we don’t need to do any work. Things are supposed to flow smoothly of their own accord - as if a parent or some higher power is walking 10 steps ahead of us, making things easy for us, taking responsibility for us moving forward at a steady pace without us needing to know what comes next.
Often in immature relationships we don’t find out what makes them work until something goes wrong. This means that when things get choppy - we have no way of correcting the course of the relationship, which can lead to feelings of helplessness and/or feeling stuck.
We often believe that in a fairy-tale, dream-come-true relationship our needs should be satisfied without us needing to explain them to our partner.
That’s where the expectation to read our mind often comes from:
when we were children our parents/caretakers just ‘knew’ what we needed and gave it to us. And if they didn’t, we cried and that made them drop what they’re doing and tend to us. This is a comfortable place to be at - having our needs satisfied without having to take on the same level of responsibility in return. No wonder Immature Relationships are so attractive, easy to fall into and feel so familiar.
Signs of an Immature Relationship:
Emphasis on Taking Rather than Giving. In a healthy relationship the giving and the taking are balanced in a way that benefits both parties. It doesn’t mean that everything has to be 50/50 all the time, but it does mean that both parties pull their weight and play to their strengths. When that subtle mechanism is in place - both parties are supported and have their significant needs satisfied. Problems can arise when the balance has been tipped in favour of one of the parties for too long - to the detriment of the other .
Lack of Empathy:
Lack of a healthy balance in the relationship can also lead to dismissing/deprioritising the other party’s wants. Since we feel that the relationship’s sole raison d’etre is to satisfy us and to make us feel good, we might struggle to take the other party’s feelings and opinions into account,
when making decisions that concern them. It might be easy to get stuck in black & white thinking where all things are either ‘good or bad’, making compromise impossible to achieve.
Sweeping Things Under the Carpet: it’s not always easy taking responsibility when things aren’t working out, which can sometimes lead to blaming the other for the relationship problems and the feelings they cause or ignoring them altogether. It’s also common to hope that - if the other person doesn’t resolve the issue - it would just go away of its own accord, without us having to contribute to its resolution.
Rigid Roles:
it could be how our parents ‘did’ relationships, or how our society’s tradition expects things to be done. Either way - we might expect the other party to fill a pre-existing template, rather than allowing the relationship to grow organically and accept that it doesn’t have to look a certain way for it to be successful.
Unrealistic Expectations: expecting our partner to heal us, to make all the problems in our life go away in the course of us being together. This often leads to being disappointed with them when it transpires they’re unable to fulfil that wish.
Lack of a Deep Bond:
immature relationships can be based on initial attractiveness, status or other surface criteria, as opposed to a deep connection. It’s exactly this that can lead us to treat our partner as a commodity later in our life as a couple.
Inability to Learn from Past Experiences: what makes immature relationships remain stuck in their infancy stage is often the fear of self-awareness. There could be a concern that if we look back to the things we’ve done, we might need to set the matter right by saying sorry or at least admitting to the mistakes in the past, which may seem too hard a job, especially when compared to the alternative - doing nothing.
Reasons for creating and staying in Immature Relationships:
Understanding our relationships is about awareness and understanding, compassion and respect for ourselves and others and stepping up to a new level of responsibility, which is ultimately what separates adults from children.
Most of the time people fall into immature relationship patterns unconsciously.
There are many reasons for why someone might fall into an IR pattern, through no fault of their own - whether they’re immature in other aspects of their life or not. Here are some of the main causes for the pattern emerging, seen from both sides of the relationship.
Childhood or relational trauma:
if we have had to prioritise ourselves to survive, this can make us unable to step out of that mode of behaviour,
because it might feel unsafe to prioritise other people’s needs or even see them as equal to ours. The person who’d undergone the trauma might not yet have developed the skills for dealing with other people’s needs effectively.
Mental Health Issues: subtle mental health issues can go under the radar when dating or even living together for the first while. The person experiencing the issues might have found ways to manage in their own life. When the other party in the relationship begins to be affected by the first party’s issues, the first party might not have the capacity to resolve the issues in a way that benefits both people in the relationship, because they’re used to dealing with them on their own.
For example, if I was to excessively worry about the cleanliness of my house,
I might eventually arrive at a balance where my house is ‘clean enough’ - a standard which might be considered too much for others.
When my partner and I move in together and he realises how much work I have to put into keeping my house clean according to my standards, he might not want to spend his precious leisure time over-tidying.
If I refuse to find a compromise, and insist that ‘my way is the right way’, it could lead to us being stuck in a loop of recurring arguments.
Pre-existing patterns of behaviour
might feel safe & familiar, even when dysfunctional. These would have been influenced by an array of significant events, information and people in our life. Most of the time, the patterns are subconscious.
For example - if the only relationships modelled to us were immature ones, we will keep repeating that pattern until either:
Something happens to make us aware of the issue (often something negative);
We realise that we’re not getting the desired result and decide to change the pattern consciously; OR
We end up with a mature partner, who is stable, reliable and has such a positive effect on us that we easily and effortlessly turn into a mature partner ourselves.
In Scenario No 3 above, we would have to have had the capacity and desire to change and grow into the best version of ourselves.
Lacking the Capacity to Grow: We often assume that we all have the same capacity to improve ourselves as everyone else. I believe this is a misconception. The famous saying by Tony Robbins goes : “Change is inevitable, progress is optional”. As in we’re all physically changing continuously, but there’s no promise that we’ll keep maturing as a human being. It is a skill that some people can learn and others might struggle with, through no fault of their own.
Lacking the Desire to Change
to accommodate the other person in the relationship: we might be capable of personal change, but we might be unwilling to change, since it requires effort and can be uncomfortable.
It can be hard to understand WHY we would need to change to accommodate others, or it can seem like their demands are unreasonable. It can seem especially unfair if we are able to accept the other person as they are. It can make us feel that their need for us to change is not as significant as our need to stay the same.
The Belief that Relationships Should Be Easy: we’ve all watched enough films and read enough fairy-tales to expect a Happily Ever After, in which everything is just ticking over with no effort required from us, because we exerted all the effort at the start of the relationship - which is how we got into it!
Prioritising Physical Attraction Over a Deep Connection:
yes of course - some form of physical attraction is important for a romantic relationship, especially at the start. The problems arise if we treat our partner as a trophy or a symbol of status as opposed to seeking a deep connection with them, that would outlast the looks.
Low Self-Esteem: one of the main reasons for why we might stay in an immature romantic relationship after we’ve realised we’re not happy in it, could be feeling that this is the best we can get. It’s common to feel like mature relationships are not available to us OR that a life of servitude - even to another grownup - is what gives us our self-worth. If we’ve never been in a healthy stable reliable relationship before: the thought of having our needs met, might not even cross our mind, and settling for less might feel like the only choice we have.
Outdated Gender Roles:
male and female roles can sometimes be exaggerated to the point of becoming a caricature. However, if overt masculinity (e.g. taking control of the situation) and excessive femininity (e.g. going with the flow even when the situation is toxic) were modelled to us as norms,
we could easily fall into those behaviours by default, without realising how much they affect the other person’s behaviour.
we might feel that being in a relationship, any relationship, is still better/safer than being alone. Sometimes staying in an immature relationship is exactly what’s keeping us from reaching our potential, but it can seem scary to let go and venture out on our own without any support from a significant other, be that just an illusion of support.
Disclaimer: this discussion does NOT apply to relationships involving domestic abuse.
If you are in a physically or an emotionally abusive relationship - please call:
0808 2000 247 Women’s Refuge (UK)
or
0808 8010327 Men’s Advice Line (UK)
Help is available to you.
