A big contribution to singles’ problems is made by people who, unbeknown to them, treat single people as ‘less than’ those in couples.

I am sure that everyone who ever said these things to single people meant well, and just wanted us to be as happy/stable/looked after, as they thought we’d be in a relationship.

The problem with saying these things to singles is not so much the intentions of each individual speaker, but the assumptions they are based on: 

• that single life is somehow secondary to life as a couple,

• that it’s an undesirable state of being, and 

• that we can’t possibly be enjoying it as much as we’d enjoy being in a relationship.

If this article is the first time you become aware of these undertones - please bear in mind that it’s written with the intention of bringing these biases to the surface and improving communication between single and partnered people. 

With that in mind, here goes: 

2. “That’s why you are single/No wonder you are single” - in response to something silly/irresponsible/uncool we did. This statement implies the following, whether the speaker intended it or not: 

a) that being single is bad and one should want to do what they can to avoid  singlehood; 

b) that there is a magic way to behave that ensures one gets into a relationship and, as singles, we’re clearly not following that code;

c) that singlehood is a ‘punishment’ for being a certain kind of person (the ‘wrong’ kind!), and that one should fix that ‘flaw’ to enable them to move up in the world to the better state of being, like being in a relationship. 

Hopefully I don’t need to explain why these beliefs are demeaning to single people.

5. “To have kids you best settle down soon.” This one implies that having children is the ultimate goal in the life of any human being, completely ignoring cultural differences, personal priorities and individual circumstances. Not only that, but getting into a relationship with the sole purpose of having kids, skews the centre of gravity in the relationship towards an end goal. This is how relationships break apart - if the end goal becomes unattainable for some reason. On top of all that - this is the 21st century and being single no longer equates with being childless.

7. “There’ll be other single men/women at the party/wedding. You never know, perhaps tonight’s the night!” This one goes back to getting people’s hopes up. Also, if all it took for relationships to spark was the presence of another single person, there’d not be single people any more in the world.

9. “It’ll all be worth it when you find him/her.” Each individual relationship is unique, and even though I do believe in healthy relationships, a lot of the relationships cause as much pain as good in the long run. So the truer thing to say (if you dare) would be: “getting into a relationship might make you feel better for the first while, but when you’re used to it - you will either go back to feeling exactly as you feel now, or feel worse.”

And if that was the case - shouldn’t you be the judge of which of the two you’d like to sacrifice - personal growth, or the chance of getting into a relationship?

11. “But you’re so pretty/smart/interesting - I can’t believe you’ve not found a boyfriend/girlfriend yet” (the opposite of No 10, I know). This implies that once we’ve crossed that finish line of achieving a certain level of attractiveness and/or intelligence, there’ll be someone there to greet us with the medal - a great relationship. The statement is bad enough in itself, but has an even darker undertone: that those not in relationships are not attractive or interesting enough, and they still need to ‘get there’ to be rewarded, which of course is complete BS, otherwise all attractive, interesting, intelligent people would be in healthy relationships continuously, without any breaks. 

The reason why there aren’t any stories going round of how someone gave up dating and still not found a partner, is not because it doesn’t happen, but because it doesn’t make a very good story - it’s a nonevent. 

If you genuinely want to help your single friend who may be struggling with singlehood, the best thing is to unpack your and their beliefs about what it means to be single. There is plenty of literature out there on the subject, but tread carefully - some is helpful, some less so. 

Perhaps the best thing one could do to become an ally to singles, is understand that it’s not the relationship status that makes someone feel good about their life, and that it’s possible to live a fulfilling, deeply satisfying life irrespective of one’s relationship status.  

It’s perfectly understandable if you feel uncomfortable addressing those issues with your single friend. This is where you leave it to professionals like me.