12 Things NOT to Say to Single People - even if you’re ‘just trying to help’
A big contribution to singles’ problems is made by people who, unbeknown to them, treat single people as ‘less than’ those in couples.
I am sure that everyone who ever said these things to single people meant well, and just wanted us to be as happy/stable/looked after, as they thought we’d be in a relationship.
The problem with saying these things to singles is not so much the intentions of each individual speaker, but the assumptions they are based on:
that single life is somehow secondary to life as a couple,
that it’s an undesirable state of being, and
that we can’t possibly be enjoying it as much as we’d enjoy being in a relationship.
Most of these biases are unconscious -
we’ve been fed them with breast milk - and a lot of us were never in a position in life to challenge them or to even become aware of them.
If this article is the first time you become aware of these undertones - please bear in mind that it’s written with the intention of bringing these biases to the surface and improving communication between single and partnered people.
With that in mind, here goes:
“You should just get yourself out there.”
I can assure you that those singles who want to be ‘out there’ (whatever that even means) - already are. Getting into a relationship is not like finding a job, one does not just send out a lot of CVs and go to a few interviews, like the dating sites would have us believe. Saying that to get into a relationship one needs to just get themselves out there is the same as saying that to win the jackpot in a casino all you have to do is to physically be in the casino; and I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works, or I’ve been going to the wrong casinos.
2. “That’s why you are single/No wonder you are single” - in response to something silly/irresponsible/uncool we did. This statement implies the following, whether the speaker intended it or not:
a) that being single is bad and one should want to do what they can to avoid singlehood;
b) that there is a magic way to behave that ensures one gets into a relationship and, as singles, we’re clearly not following that code;
c) that singlehood is a ‘punishment’ for being a certain kind of person (the ‘wrong’ kind!), and that one should fix that ‘flaw’ to enable them to move up in the world to the better state of being, like being in a relationship.
Hopefully I don’t need to explain why these beliefs are demeaning to single people.
3. “You’ll find someone soon”
With all due respect, no one knows that. I know it’s tempting to use this one, especially if your single friend is actually crying about their singlehood, but it’s the amalgamation of these false hopes that has some singles going back to the toxic culture of dating sites, even when it’s clear that the odds are stacked against them, because - what if?
4. “My friend did this XXX and now she’s married with kids/You should try … (this dating site, this bar, hanging red knickers on your chandelier (you laugh, but the latter was actually recommended to me as a way to ‘attract men’ :D))” -
even if your friend used the method to find her current partner, that does not make her the relationship-finding expert any more than me having found £20 on the street outside my house makes me in expert in helping people find cash lying on the street.
5. “To have kids you best settle down soon.” This one implies that having children is the ultimate goal in the life of any human being, completely ignoring cultural differences, personal priorities and individual circumstances. Not only that, but getting into a relationship with the sole purpose of having kids, skews the centre of gravity in the relationship towards an end goal. This is how relationships break apart - if the end goal becomes unattainable for some reason. On top of all that - this is the 21st century and being single no longer equates with being childless.
6. “You probably don’t want it (a relationship) bad enough.”
If wanting things ensured us getting them, half of the world would be millionaires by now. This is exactly the sort of thing that frustrates hard-working singles: because getting into a relationship is not something you can work at, it’s pure luck. Shani Silver said “dating is the only area of life where increased effort does not match reward”.
7. “There’ll be other single men/women at the party/wedding. You never know, perhaps tonight’s the night!” This one goes back to getting people’s hopes up. Also, if all it took for relationships to spark was the presence of another single person, there’d not be single people any more in the world.
8. “It’s only couples coming, but you can join us I guess.” The weird assumption behind it is that couples should hang out with couples and single people should hang out with single people, adding to the segregation and isolation of singles. I understand that sometimes party organisers do it in an attempt to protect some of the couples from feeling insecure, in case the single person tries to ‘steal’ their partner. This sort of negative projection of singles’ intentions is similar to assuming that if a person is gay they’ll want to sleep with everyone in their own gender, including you.
9. “It’ll all be worth it when you find him/her.” Each individual relationship is unique, and even though I do believe in healthy relationships, a lot of the relationships cause as much pain as good in the long run. So the truer thing to say (if you dare) would be: “getting into a relationship might make you feel better for the first while, but when you’re used to it - you will either go back to feeling exactly as you feel now, or feel worse.”
10. “You’re too independent/too smart. The men/women are intimidated by that.”
This one is super confusing as traditionally, at least in the West, we are praised for being smart and independent - that’s pretty much the whole point of the education system. If there really is a level of independence or intelligence that puts off others from having relationships with you, doesn’t that basically mean that you have to sacrifice your personal growth to get into a relationship?
And if that was the case - shouldn’t you be the judge of which of the two you’d like to sacrifice - personal growth, or the chance of getting into a relationship?
11. “But you’re so pretty/smart/interesting - I can’t believe you’ve not found a boyfriend/girlfriend yet” (the opposite of No 10, I know). This implies that once we’ve crossed that finish line of achieving a certain level of attractiveness and/or intelligence, there’ll be someone there to greet us with the medal - a great relationship. The statement is bad enough in itself, but has an even darker undertone: that those not in relationships are not attractive or interesting enough, and they still need to ‘get there’ to be rewarded, which of course is complete BS, otherwise all attractive, interesting, intelligent people would be in healthy relationships continuously, without any breaks.
12. "Love appears when you least expect it"/"The right one will come along when you're not looking"
I am sure there’s plenty of anecdotal evidence (perhaps from our friend with red knickers on her chandelier from No 4 above 👆 ) of how someone found a relationship the minute they gave up on dating sites, but that doesn’t prove that that’s what caused their partner to appear in their life.
The reason why there aren’t any stories going round of how someone gave up dating and still not found a partner, is not because it doesn’t happen, but because it doesn’t make a very good story - it’s a nonevent.
Singles problems include being treated like they don’t belong at a party with couples.
If you genuinely want to help your single friend who may be struggling with singlehood, the best thing is to unpack your and their beliefs about what it means to be single. There is plenty of literature out there on the subject, but tread carefully - some is helpful, some less so.
Perhaps the best thing one could do to become an ally to singles, is understand that it’s not the relationship status that makes someone feel good about their life, and that it’s possible to live a fulfilling, deeply satisfying life irrespective of one’s relationship status.
It’s perfectly understandable if you feel uncomfortable addressing those issues with your single friend. This is where you leave it to professionals like me.
