Loneliness at Christmas

Christmas cards, films, songs and television programmes all pile on the pressure to be spending time with loved ones over the holiday season, which can make those of us who are spending Christmas alone feel ignored by the popular culture.

It can make us feel that — to have a happy holiday — we absolutely have to be in the presence of others who care for us.

This expectation could come at a stark contrast to reality for those who are unable or unwilling to spend time with others, and feel lonely as the result.

Experiencing occasional loneliness is a normal part of the human experience — whether you are coupled or not. However, chronic and intense feelings of loneliness may warrant attention and support.

Loneliness is a distressing subjective emotional state related to how we perceive and experience our social relationships, rather than an objective measure of the number of close social bonds. The feeling of loneliness arises when there is a mismatch between the quality and quantity of social relationships we require to feel content vs the quality and quantity of connections we actually have.

If you’re curious as to your own levels of loneliness, feel free to take the UCLA Loneliness Test.

Loneliness around Christmas

Here are some factors that may contribute to feelings of loneliness for some of us during Christmas and New Year, depending on our life’s circumstances:

1.     Social Expectations: The holiday season often brings expectations of socialising and spending time with loved ones. For those who are unable to be with family or friends, or who don't have close relationships, this time of year can intensify feelings of isolation.

2.     Cultural Emphasis on Togetherness: Many societies and organisations emphasise spending time with family and friends during the holidays. Advertisements, movies, and social media can reinforce the idea of festive gatherings, which may highlight feelings of exclusion for those who feel alone.

3.     Memories and Nostalgia: Holidays can be a time of reflection, and individuals may reminisce about past celebrations or loved ones who are no longer present. This reflection can intensify feelings of loneliness, especially if there have been significant changes in one's life. For those who have experienced loss, whether it be the death of a loved one or the end of a significant relationship, the holidays can be a poignant reminder of that absence, intensifying feelings of grief and loneliness.

4.     Comparisons with Others: The holiday season can lead to social comparisons, where individuals compare their own situations to others who seem to be enjoying joyful gatherings. This can contribute to feelings of inadequacy or lack of belonging.

Young woman feeling lonely on Christmas

5.     Geographical Separation: Some people may be geographically separated from their families or friends, making it difficult to celebrate together. This distance can be particularly challenging during a time when being close to loved ones is culturally emphasised.

6.     Financial Stress: The holiday season often involves increased expenses related to gifts, travel, and celebrations. Financial stress can contribute to feelings of isolation, especially if individuals are unable to participate in traditional holiday activities due to budget constraints.

7.     Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Some individuals experience Seasonal Affective Disorder, a type of depression that occurs at specific times of the year, typically during the fall and winter. The symptoms, including social withdrawal, may exacerbate feelings of loneliness.

Proactive efforts to connect with others, engage in meaningful activities, and manage expectations can often alleviate feelings of loneliness during the holiday season — providing it is safe to reach out.

Loneliness symptoms

There are many symptoms of loneliness, and each person experiences them differently. However, some of the most common symptoms reported are:

·   Sadness/depression/unhappiness,

·    Anxiety or feeling of unease, especially in social situations,

·    Low Self-worth/feeling unlikable, unlovable, or unworthy of meaningful connections,

·    Social Withdrawal/Reduced Communication,

·    Diminished Interest in the activities that were once enjoyable,

  Other symptoms can include sleep disturbances, fatigue, aches and pain and cognitive decline.

Factors contributing to Experiencing Loneliness

from the book "Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection" by John Cacioppo and William Patrick.

1.    An inherent need for social inclusion – the level of interaction at which we feel comfortable is often inherited from our parents or other caretakers at first, and is then influenced by our environment as we go through life. When we lived in tribes, we were much more likely to survive if we were accepted by the other tribe members, hence, over hundreds of thousands of years, the genes that survived were likely to be the ones that made us feel more secure in the presence of others.

2.    Inability to self-regulate in healthy ways – the sort of execute control most of us have, that reminds us to get out and get sunlight, exercise, eat healthily etc., which can unfortunately become impaired the longer someone is experiencing chronic loneliness.

3.    Our interpretation of the world around us as being unfriendly. People who are open, warm and inclusive are that way because they feel safe in the world, and as the result they often form stronger bonds with those around them. Those who tend to have negative expectations of others and negative explanations of others’ behaviours, can deter others from getting close enough to form meaningful bonds, by that perpetuating a cycle of isolation.

Overcoming Loneliness

Most advice for overcoming loneliness relies mainly on socialising with friends and family, which may not be a viable solution, as we discussed above. Also, talking about loneliness to those who don’t understand it can backfire, as Radhika Sanghani points out in her article “If you feel lonely at Christmas, even if you're surrounded by people, you're not alone”.

Here are some healthy ways to address loneliness without relying on social interactions:

Self-love and self-compassion: since other humans are not the only source of feel-good experiences, times spent alone can be just as meaningful and satisfying as times spent with others. Especially if we dedicate it to getting to know ourselves, understanding our needs and treating ourselves with kindness and compassion – much like we would our best friend.

Self-Reflection and Meditation: engaging in mindfulness practices, such as meditation or deep breathing exercises, allows us to become more aware of our thoughts and feelings, and gain a distance from them, so that they are no longer felt as facts.

Reframing our experience: the English language helpfully has two different words for describing time spent alone – loneliness and solitude. As already discussed, loneliness is a subjective negative experience. By understanding our beliefs as to what makes our time spent alone negative or positive, we can adjust our interpretation of the situation to one that makes us feel better.

Solitude is quality me-time, when you get to do partake in activities that bring you joy regardless of whether you do them on your own or with others. Here are a few ideas in case you get stuck.

Expressing Gratitude: numerous studies have found that practicing daily gratitude is linked to improved mental health, including reduced symptoms of depression and anxiety, more optimistic outlook on life, increased feelings of joy, satisfaction, and overall well-being.

You can start with simply writing down 3-5 things you’re grateful for every day. They can be as small as a nice cup of coffee or as big as getting a promotion at work. The main thing is to revel in the feeling of gratitude you’re feeling and magnify it!

Self-discovery: pursuing hobbies that used to bring you fulfilment earlier in life, and discovering new interests can dramatically improve your mood, uncover hidden talents, bring meaning and improve your quality of life dramatically in a short period of time.

Therapeutic Support:

you do not have to suffer on your own – professional help is available.

A good therapist or a counsellor would be able to uncover patterns in your thinking, help you understand your feelings, and change course towards where you want to be going. 

Have a fantastic Christmas and a Happy New year! wishing you all the love, belonging and happiness in the world.

Love, Nika