Emotional Addiction - Obsessing Over Someone
It can feel like love, but unlike love that makes you happier, emotional addiction can cause immense emotional pain, suffering and self-neglect. Same as other addictions, it has the potential to greatly diminish our quality of life if left untreated.
“Addiction is a progressive narrowing of the things that bring you pleasure. ”
Signs of Emotional Addiction
We might feel a strong pull towards someone and interpret it as love, but there may be signs that our attachment to the object of our desires is unhealthy. Any combination of factors from the list below is an indication that it might be obsession rather than love.
They’re not giving us anything in return for our love, or their appreciation of us is very limited, i.e. the connection is clearly one-sided - but that doesn’t stop us from pursuing them. The person in question might just be polite towards us, for fear of offending us, but (if we really want to) we can interpret that politeness as them harbouring secret feelings for us.
A constant Insatiable Craving for Their Attention:
we might be waiting for their call all day, constantly checking the phone to see if they messaged us back, it might even be affecting our sleep patterns if we’re staying up all late at night hoping they will respond, causing us anxiety and distress. There’s a huge sense of relief when they finally get in touch, which doesn’t last that long, as we soon return to the craving and longing for more of their attention.
In healthy love, we feel safe and secure in the knowledge that they care for us even when we’re not together, that does not need to be reaffirmed constantly.
Intense Neediness: an intense of feeling of needing this person in our life, no matter the cost. We might find ourselves prioritising being with that person above everything else, including our own mental and physical health.
We may find ourselves jeopardising friendships and other close connections in the name of spending more time with the object of our affections.
Isolation: We’re avoiding our friends/family who tell us to stop seeing and speaking to this person, as they’re not good for us.
Excessive Fantasies About a Potential Future
Together.
It’s hard not to imagine our future together with the person we’re drawn to. However, in obsessive love, the pictures in our imagination are often contrasted with the reality, in which we are not likely to become an item. The more vividly we imagine the desired experience, the more it hurts to come back to the present moment in which we are not with them.
Every time us think about the person, our brain rewards us with feel-good chemicals, which makes us think about them more. <- This is exactly what makes it an addiction, because when we don’t think about them we experience a crash, much like an addict would.
The longing to be in a relationship with the object of our affections can even feel painful, due to this sense of lack.
Double Standards: We are not able to see that they’re doing something wrong when they treat us badly or lead us on. We might make excuses for their bad behaviour we wouldn’t for other people.
For example, if your friend stood you up on a night out, you might expect your friend to make it up to you. Whilst if it’s the object of your desire – you might just laugh it off and “forget” about it. (Inverted commas, because none of it is actually forgotten. When we pine for someone who doesn’t care for us, it can have an impact on our self-esteem and self-respect.)
Being Inauthentic:
We might find ourselves changing too much to please them. We might be dressing and acting in a way that we think they’d like, doing and saying things with the sole purpose of making them like us, regardless of how that makes us feel or whether it’s true to us.
Dramatic Changes in Habits:
We are often thinking about them during tasks that we used to find enjoyable, leading to not being able to concentrate on the task at hand.
OR We might have lost interest in our usual hobbies and interests altogether, perhaps even our work is suffering - because nothing brings us as much pleasure as either fantasising about or being with that person.
Being Overly Analytical of Them: Perhaps we’re reading into everything they say or do, looking for confirmation of their devotion to us, including things that are not at all relevant. E.g them speaking to their boss about a pay rise could spark a fantasy about how they’re planning to take care of us when we’re together, even if they’d been planning to speak to their boss since before we met.
Settling for Breadcrumbs of Their Love
Even if they’re not paying us much attention, we might feel like this is the best we can get from someone like them, because they’re much ‘better’ than us in some way (more successful, more attractive, more intelligent etc.).
So we might feel that, with someone who has that many options, we have to settle for crumbs of their love, however small.
Cyclical Repetitive Thinking: we might have cyclical intrusive thoughts about this person, which take us out of the present moment. We might get stuck in fantasies, that pick up speed of their own accord, which can lead to feelings of helplessness or resentment.
Rollercoaster Ride of Dependency on Their Actions & Words
When we’re addicted to this person, every tiny thing they do or don’t do has a disproportionately large effect on us and we are not able to reason our way out of it.
Them not smiling at us when they walk past can ruin our day.
And the opposite - just a small sign or a gesture saying hello, can have a huge positive effect, where we keep thinking back to that moment for hours or even days afterwards, with the image remaining very clear in our memory.
As opposed to relationships with others, we might not be able to understand or remember that they have an internal life independent of us.
Difficulty Letting Go: Whenever we try to cut ties, it causes us so much emotional pain that we go straight back to square one of putting them on a pedestal and thinking about them as often as possible.
Fear of It Not Working Out:
We might even get stuck in a All-or-Nothing thought loop, haunted by the fear as to what would happen if it didn’t work out and we couldn’t be together in the future. It might feel that no other person and no other experience would be as good, as being with them.
Our life may feel lacklustre when they’re not around.
I.e. we don’t simply return to feeling normal when they’ve left - we feel worse than we did, before we developed this obsession. This can lead to feelings of loneliness or other feelings of lack and/or incompleteness.
I find that telling someone, who’s emotionally addicted, to ‘just stop thinking’ about the object of their affections, is counterproductive. If only it was that easy! We’d have no addictions in the world.
The best place to start healing is filling in the places eroded by addiction - with self-care and self-love.
Disclaimer:I am a recovered emotional addict myself and have treated various people with this issue. I know how easy it is to fall for someone just out of reach and how much suffering it can cause. All of the above is said with love and compassion, to provide support to those who want a way out.
You’re not alone.
