Loneliness is a complex and distressing emotion, often characterised by a subjective feeling of isolation, disconnection and emotional emptiness. We feel lonely when we perceive a significant gap between our desired level of social connection and our actual level of social interaction or relationships. To put simply it's not whether we have friends or not that makes us feel lonely, but the quality of those friendships.

Feeling lonely is not merely caused by the absence of social contact, it is the emotional response to the perceived inadequacy of one's relationships, which includes feelings of

emptiness,

sadness,

dissatisfaction,

and a deep yearning for meaningful connection. 

Ultimately, loneliness is a universal experience, and it can be caused by many factors, as we’re about to discuss. 

Loneliness can be a transient emotional state or a chronic condition, and it can have significant implications for mental and physical health. In their book "Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection" John T. Cacioppo and William Patrick highlight the detrimental effects of chronic loneliness on both physical and psychological health. Loneliness is linked to increased stress, inflammation, and a higher risk of various health conditions, including heart disease and depression.

This explains why some people adore spending time on their own and others dread it - even thought the situation is the same (spending time on our own), the interpretation of that experience is different: the first person would be skilled in having quality time on their own, whatever that means for them; whilst the other person might feel an overwhelming sense of lack, unhappiness, lack of fulfilment and potentially a meaningless-ness of their experience.

Since our brains construct emotions based on previously ingested information, be that from the people around us, media or societal narratives, how solitude is portrayed and stereotyped in films has a huge effect on how we interpret alone times. 

I believe films, books and other forms of media unduly concentrate on the possible negative aspects of spending time on our own, whilst ignoring the positive ones, so that when the time comes for us to enjoy some time by ourselves, we tend to interpret it negatively, in the light of this previously stored information:

• ’Boredom’: Many films and TV shows montage the time the character spends alone into a few sad snippets, contrasted to the exciting scenes of the character interacting with other people, that are shown in full detail. Characters who are alone are often depicted as being in ‘boring’ situations, which can make the experience of loneliness seem dull, meaningless and uninteresting. Take “Bridget Jones’ Diary”, for example, where Bridget looks depressed whilst eating mince pies and watching telly by herself, implying that spending time on her own is somehow deficient.

• Sensationalism: Media tends to sensationalise emotional experiences, including loneliness, to make stories more engaging and relatable to the audience. This can lead to an exaggerated portrayal of the emotional impact of solitude as being intensely negative, as opposed to positive or neutral. In "Edward Scissorhands" the character of Edward, an artificial man with scissors for hands, is depicted as lonely and isolated. His loneliness is portrayed as a source of sadness and difficulty in forming connections with others, reinforcing the idea that loneliness is a negative and alienating state.

• Damaging Stereotypes: Films and media often simplify complex emotional experiences to fit within pre-existing narratives. Loneliness is frequently portrayed in exaggerated ways, which do not accurately reflect the diverse and nuanced ways in which people experience solitude in real life. These messaging can signal that something must be wrong with those who spend too much time on their own, which can be damaging to people’s self-esteem. For instance in the film “Requiem for a Dream”, loneliness and isolation are contributing factors to the characters' drug addiction.

• Visual and Auditory Effects: Filmmakers use various visual and auditory effects, such as sombre music, dim lighting, and long shots of empty spaces, to create a sense of isolation and loneliness that may not accurately represent the everyday experience of being alone. 
  These exaggerations in media can shape

Why Do I Feel Lonely? - potential causes:

1. Learned Behaviour: besides societal and media influences already discussed, feeling of loneliness could be a learned behaviour from your parents/teachers/friends and relatives. Who did you look up to as a child? Did any of these people display loneliness? 

2. Social Isolation: A lack of social connections or limited opportunities for social interaction could be a significant cause for loneliness. This can be due to physical isolation, living in a new area, or having few social activities.

3. Change in Life Circumstances: Major life changes such as moving to a new city, going through a divorce, experiencing the loss of a loved one, or transitioning to a new life stage like retirement can lead to feelings of loneliness even if you are surrounded by people.

4. Lack of Close Relationships: Loneliness often arises when individuals do not have close, meaningful relationships or a support system. Superficial or infrequent friendships may not provide the sense of connection and belonging that heals loneliness, which is why starting a new hobby or joining a club might not necessarily resolve the issue. 

5. Social Rejection or Alienation: Experiences of rejection, exclusion, or feeling like an outsider can contribute to loneliness. This can occur in social, academic, or workplace settings, or during a romantic breakup, should all mutual friends take the side of the other party. 

6. Mental Health Issues/Psychological Trauma: Conditions such as depression, social anxiety, or low self-esteem can intensify feelings of loneliness. These issues may cause individuals to withdraw from social interactions or not know how to interact in day-to-day social activities. 

7. Technology Overuse: Paradoxically, excessive use of technology, including social media, can lead to loneliness. Online interactions are often skin-deep and might not substitute real-world relationships, which can sometimes lead to feelings of disconnection.

8. Cultural and Societal Factors: Societal trends, like increased urbanisation and busy lifestyles, can make it more challenging to build and maintain social connections. Additionally, cultural norms and expectations about friendships and relationships can influence feelings of loneliness. On the plus side, these can often be reframed, please see below. 

9. Communication Barriers: Language barriers or difficulty in expressing oneself can lead to a sense of isolation, especially in multicultural environments.

10. Lack of Self-Esteem: Low self-esteem can make it challenging to initiate and maintain meaningful relationships,

How to Deal with Feeling Lonely? 

It may feel that the lonely feelings are arising of their own accord, but, as we discussed earlier, the feelings often arise due to ua interpreting the situation as negative. You might not be in position to change the situation itself. However, you often have a choice as to how to interpret it. 

If you don’t feel strong enough to start reframing  your thoughts on your own, always seek professional help. 

Here are a few reframing exercises I hope will help:

1. Practice Self-Love and Connect With Yourself: Avoid negative self-talk and self-criticism. Instead, replace those thoughts with positive and self-affirming ones. Dedicate time to self-care practices that nurture your physical and emotional well-being.

3. Mindfulness and Presence: Engage in mindfulness practices that help you stay in the present moment. This can include meditation, deep breathing exercises, keeping a gratitude journal, drawing, painting, or simply paying attention to your surroundings from a calm peaceful state of mind. Being fully present in your solitude can help you appreciate your life and genuinely see the beauty and fullness of it.

4. Reframe Your Perspective: Remember that you get to CHOOSE how to see your experience. Instead of seeing solitude as loneliness, you could view it as an opportunity for self-discovery and personal growth, spending quality time with yourself, learning about what makes you truly happy independent of external influences. Being able to soothe and enjoy yourself with or without others is a super-power that sets the base for a happy and fulfilling life. 

5. Creativity, Performance and Self-Expression: Use your solitude as an opportunity to explore or deepen your interests and hobbies. Engaging in activities that genuinely captivate your interest can make solitude enjoyable. After all, most great discovering, works of art, intense training regimes and other feats of human performance require solitude to enable us to give everything we’ve got to the project at hand. 

6. Understand Yourself: Use solitude to deepen your understanding of yourself. Reflect on your values, goals, and desires, read books/listen to podcasts that help you understand who you truly are. Consider the causes for the feelings of loneliness. If Loneliness was an old friend visiting, what would it be trying to tell you? Remember do this from a place of self-compassion and self-kindness as per points 1 and 2. 

7. Embrace the Freedom: Solitude provides a sense of freedom and autonomy. Enjoy the flexibility it offers to do things at your own pace and in your own way! 

                               I hope this article helped. 

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