7 years ago someone older and wiser than me asked me a question, the answer to which changed my life. 

The question was: “can you grow and become who you want to be in this relationship?”

As the answer became painfully clear, I watched my new future life track separate from my then present and move to unfold as a completely new path.

Since then, I’ve been applying it to ALL relationships in my life, with predictable success. 

As time went on, I started seeing staying in a constricting relationship or friendship as self-abuse. Who is it we are trying to please by ‘not rocking the boat’ when we’re the only ones rowing? Why is it that the other person’s opinion of us is seemingly more important than our own comfort and progress?

There are many ways in which life teaches us (women especially, but this post is not about the patriarchy) to stay small, to put the other person’s interests first, to make sure that THEY are happy, irrespective of how that makes us feel. Our value is supposed to be so intertwined with the image they have of us in their heads, that we go over and above to uphold that image and completely neglect the real thing that image is based on - ourselves. 

This way of behaving might be familiar to you if you were brought up by narcissistic and/or immature adults, or, on the contrary, adults who modelled to you the behaviour of putting everyone else’s interests first, but not their own.

Since the responsible adults in our childhood couldn’t or wouldn’t teach us to love ourselves, the skill that forms the basis for consistent levels of happiness, peace, fulfilment and joy has been left out of our education almost completely. 

Without it, any glimmer of happiness we get is unsustainable, because it depends on the external circumstances, which are ever-changing and unreliable. 

This is why my practice is dedicated to helping people find that part of themselves that always has their best interests at heart… EVEN if that means upsetting someone else with unrealistic expectations of you. 

The road to that self-compassionate part of you always starts with self-love.